My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
