giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
