If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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