does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
