Cold hands, warm shart.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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