you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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