doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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