my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize