twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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