Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
