Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
