At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
