I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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