you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
