6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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