On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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