She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
