I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
