I smell stomach acid.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
