Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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