I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
