I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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