There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize