When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
did i walk over a car last night?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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