2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
