hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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