I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
