Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm sobbing to NWA
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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