I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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