he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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