i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How's work?
Spinning.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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