i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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