I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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