There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
