I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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