Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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