the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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