Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
