I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Alive.
So much puke
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
