i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
