If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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