Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
