so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
