we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
