I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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