"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
