I accidentally had phone sex last night
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
