the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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