I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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