Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You may now shotgun with the bride
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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