I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
