I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
