God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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