Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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