You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
