Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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