I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
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