chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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