She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
