you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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