I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
