god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
